Thoughts from a morning at the airport….

Too many thoughts bubbling thorough my head that they just wouldn’t fit into my normal facebook rants.

Hence a random blog post.

1. Change of scenery- Off to Atlanta this morning and couldn’t figure out a way to make it happen on Continental hence, I’m in terminal B on Delta. And I must admit, its nice over here. Complete change of pace. People are nicer, everyone takes their time, there is lots of room. I feel like one of those people who moves from the busy north east -commuting through the hell of Manhattan and settles in middle America and work at an office park. I feel silly saying it since I’m on a day trip to Atlanta to watch people talk for 2 hours or so, but this feels like a lil vacation.

2. Screw you Caribbean Grills- I love the Caribbean and I love a grilling; but put them together and they can go fuck themselves.

(Side note 1. I misspelled Caribbean two different ways when I originally typed the above thought. Side note 2: I have lots of food court rambles. This whole blog started in my head while eating breakfast. Indulge me.)

Here is my issue with the Caribbean grill themed restaurant; for whatever reason they are vehemently at war with hot dog restaurants- and I love hot dogs. One of the benefits of living in New jersey is proximity to the world’s greatest collection of hot dog restaurants. (100% serious here. No place on earth is even close to the collection of all-star hot dog vendor NJ produces.) In fact, I have been known to agree to run errands with my wife only because said errands bring us close to a delicious hot dog- yeah I’m talking to you hot dog truck in front of Best Buy in Secaucus.

Anyhow somehow along the line, hot dog restaurants started disappearing and Caribbean grilled chicken franchises popped up in their place. And you know who was happy? No one. Hence I see the grilled chicken airport food court restaurant and can only see a RIP sign for a good ole Nathans.

3. Play to your strengths- The Famiglia in the airport has pictures up of famous people who have eaten there. I guess technically this works and is smart since there is a relatively high proportion of celebrities passing through an airport as opposed to the average Famigilia pizza parlor. But it still feels a bit like they are cheating. I think those photos should have an asterisk- not regular customers. Extra points thought for the old school terminator version of Schwarzenegger.

4. How my mind works- Not that you asked but here is how I make connections. I saw the Famiglia celebrity photos, and thought of thr Seinfeld Episode with jerry’s photo in the Laundromat. Then I thought of the Seinfeld bit where Jerry wears the fur and carries a man-bag. And then I thought of the episode in Friends when Joey auditions for a play and keeps talking about his man-bag. Conclusion- if you were an alien learning about Human culture based on turn-of-the-millennium sit coms you would think man-bags were a much bigger trend then I personally recall- right?

5. Gets it right, Gets it wrong- So my final food court note is about Wendy’s. I have to give them credit. I was relatively impressed that they actually cracked real fresh eggs and made my breakfast sandwich to order. More so, they offered a fruit cup or oat meal bar as an alternative to the deep fried hash browns. I was impressed. And then, the woman making my coffee looked like I was a freak for turning down the mocha, vanilla, and Carmel sauce options on my coffee. “They don’t cost any extra” she pleaded, urging me on to Type 2 diabetes. “No thanks, I have me eye on that cinnabon the size of a football, “ I should have responded. Alas. They were so close to surprising me.

6. Another bathroom story- my dearest friends, know that I have a gajillion hilarious bathroom stories. From broken toilets at inopportune times, to drunkenly using the wrong bathroom, to accidentally using a handicapped bathroom at work for a very long time- bathroom stories happen to me. Well add a new on to the list.

Sparing you the details. It’s the morning. I had coffee. I am not using an airplane bathroom. I needed to take a seat. (Going forward I’ll refer to bathroom options as sitting or standing.)

I went to the men’s room only to find two airport personal standing there like bouncers. They explained that the men’s room was out of order, there was no other bathroom on this side of security, and I would have to wait till the women cleared the ladies room and they could allow me to use that one.

(Side note- remember earlier when I compared Terminal b to a refreshing change from terminal c. This is the down side- on freaking bathroom. This is the moment of living in middle America and you realize that while it is cute and friendly it is on the outside looking in on civilization.)

Anyhow I had no choice so I waited. Another women approached, and the airline employee informed her that she would have to wait as they were going to let the bathroom empty of women and allow men to use it. Seemed fair. Another man joined me on line. And then the women’s line began to grow.

Now I have written before that airports bring out the worst in people. And here was one more example. As we waited for the last women to exit the restroom, many of the ladies on line began to get impatient, as though the concept of waiting a few extra minutes for a bathroom was a matter of life and death. And of course they began to look over at the men and resent the fact that they were, in a sense waiting for us.

I knew things would not go well, but I looked at the other man on line as my partner in crime and hoped he was in the same position as me. Finally, the bathroom cleared and the boys had the run of the joint, unfortunately as we settled in a realized I would be left to fight alone. He was standing while I was sitting.

Now I eat a healthy diet high in fiber and ruffage, but there is no way sitting can compete with the speed of standing. Which would mean he would exit to smiles, while I would be the one holding up an entire line of hostile women.

I finished my business and headed for the door. As I crossed the exit I saw the crowd had now reached 20+ women all staring at me. I was two steps in the clear when I heard the first snicker. A weaker man would have looked away, lowered his head in shame. I choose to pause, flash a big smile and give the whole line a double thumbs up.

All of these things happened to me today before 8:30 AM.