Beatin the Beat

Never Fall in Love in Miami?

Wow, what an impressive season of Jersey Shore. I had my expectations set high for the season finale and I should have known better. What have I been saying about high expectations.....you can only be let down....which I was for the season finale. Too much going on, too many days worth of footage, jumping all over the place. I had very low expectations going into Jersey Shore 2, so overall my ranking would have to be at least an 8 out of 10. Lets dive into some items about it

---Are we watching the Situation become a date rapist on TV? His tactits, while questionable, especially to Pauly D his supposed wingman, are borderline domestic violence/pre date rape. All he is missing is the Rohyphenol (roofies). I'm surprised they even show some of the scenes that can be borderline awkward to watch. How many times did he screw over Pauly with his antics? I can remember at least 3 in the past few episodes. He acted like a baby pouting in the club when everyone was having fun while Snookie's friend was in town and Vinny was with Ramona. All around his ranking as a TV personality has gone way down in my book. Last year he was a breakout star and this year he's like a spoiled TV kid star. He was trying waaaaaaay to hard to be the coolest person on Jersey Shore.

---I think someone should rewrite the word to Mrs. Robinson to include Ronnie. Something like this:
Where have you gone juice head Ronnie O,
The guidos turn their lonely eyes to you (Woo woo woo).
What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
Ron Ron has left and gone away" (Hey hey hey, hey hey hey)
I think it would be appropriate. In like a lion, out like a lamb for this kid. He started out like a F5 tornado (thats the worst kind) and ended up like a few raindrops. The saddest character demise of all time, and all because of the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.

--Will the Pauly D action figure that talks be out for Christmas? I doubt they even make one but put me down for 3 if they do. Here is what it would say: "the cabs are here", "it's t-shirt time", "stop stalking my life",
"My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in & out of the water. My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer proof, motocycle proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof, I'm not willing to try that.", "When I go into the club I have a game plan, I don’t wanna waste my time and take home a girl that just wants to hang out, I just wanna get to the business… so. you light it up and then you move on & at the end of the night you see who you end up with", "Well they’re Technic 1200 M5G’s…they’re not regular turntables, they’re the best turntables you can buy", I'm sure there are more. Does he have a sever case of ADHD? He needs adult ritalin for sure.
Still he's the best character on the show and I'm glad they focused in on him a lot. Also, I bet he could take Ronnie in a fight. The rage that he lets out when he get pissed is crazy.
And he kept all the numbers he got for the entire tie in Miami...classic.

--Vinny-- breakout star of the season. Standing up to the Situation, banging a hot model, part of "MVP" (this is probably one of the best things these guys made up), he's growing up right in front of our eyes.

--DTF---enough said

--This video from college humor is amazing. Jersey Shore Video game....holy shit I was LOL-ing for real.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzLi_y4Vv5s&feature=player_embedded

I have not seen the South Park episode yet, but I heard it was great.

Miami turned out to be a good idea. I think if they were there in a warmer season we’d get more beach time. That’s been an odd thing, there is such little beach footage. Either they don’t go often, the footage sucks, or its complicated with random people. Also, I have a feeling season 3 will take a page from Real World and they won’t have jobs. FYI---no one wants to see them working some stupid job.

All in all and Amazing season and looking forward to going back to Jersey for 2.B

Post from a ringer- Guest blog from Ryan Loughlin

Its time for a pinch hitter… I have about four or five different rants in the back of my head that I need to tap out and share with you all. In fact just last night my wife placed a blog specific request for me to flip out about high-end chefs serving food in egg shells. “This needs more publicity” she declared as thought the 100 or so hits our blog posts get are just the beginning of the media groundswell to come…

Anyhow, unfortunately I have not gotten around to formulating all of my thoughts, but that doesn’t me that you should be denied a Monday morning chuckle.

Hence I’m calling an audible and bringing in a ringer. Without further ado here are three rambles and rants from my good friend Ryan Loughlin…

________________________________________________

Ryan on Cinnamon flavored candy-


Ok folks...Its time to address a topic that I feel has been overlooked for some time...its time to clear the good name of cinnamon.

I have sat by for what basically amounts to my entire life watching various chewing gum, candy and breath mint companies attempt to convince me (and the rest of the world) that cinnamon is somehow the flavor equivalent of a relentless raging inferno.

Guess what folks? CINNAMON IS NOT HOT.

It blows my mind that I have to even argue this point, but after 32 years of "Sizzlin Cinnamon Schnapps", "Hot Tamales", "Red Hots", "WarHeads" and other fraudulent products being thrust my way, I have finally decided to at least attempt to put a stop to it by calling these companies on their bullshit.

Am I the only member of the general public to notice that this particular spice has a somewhat mild sweet flavor? Think about it, when was the last time you went into Cinnabon, placed your order and the girl behind the counter responded with "How hot do you want it- Mild? Medium or Five Alarm'?" This never happens, because any reasonable human being knows that its just not that spicy of a flavor to begin with. Nobody is competing for bragging rights to see how many cinnamon rolls they can stand to eat without a glass of water. I watch man vs food, nobody is intimidated by cinnamon. This is nonsense. The candy industry has hijacked this spice simply because they couldn't think up a way of making a "hot" candy without using a savory flavor unsuitable for candy. Well sorry candy folks, lying isn't the answer. I've had it. I want the good name of cinnamon cleared once and for all.

________________________________________________

Ryan on bumper stickers-

Ok, so the other day I am driving on the highway and a crusty red ford taurus pulls into my lane in front of me. Now the car itself was relatively unattractive (ditto for the driver as well) and in what I can only assume was an ill fated attempt to "spruce up" the viciously rusting bumper of his car, this man had purchased several bumper stickers.

Why people buy bumper stickers is something I will never figure out, does anyone put these things on the back of their car, take a step back and say to themselves "Yup, now THAT looks gorgeous! Mission accomplished."

Anyway as I look closer at this car I realize that the bumper stickers in question both directly relate to the fact that this man is evidently employed as an elevator repair man. Not to knock elevator repair men, but honestly what on earth would convince this man that ANYONE on the road would give a crap about the fact that he fixes elevators for a living??? And why the overall gushing pride over his job in the first place? Is he hoping to make others jealous? Well, as far as I am aware "elevator repair man" ranks fairly low on the list of dream jobs. Its just really not something a lot of people have grand aspirations of becoming. Nobody is going to look at that bumper sticker and go "Whoa- an elevator repair man? God damn, that guy is living the dream!"

Anyway, one of the stickers says something like "Proud member of elevator repair union 541" (or something of an equal "who gives a shit" level). After taking a moment to be impressed by his union status, my eyes naturally gaze over at bumper sticker number two hoping for something a bit more intriguing. And I find it.

Sticker 2 reads: "Elevator repair men do it up and down!"

Now, seriously folks, just what the fuck does that mean? It has to be one of the crappiest of the already indescribably lame genre of bumper sticker/seaside boardwalk t-shirt sex jokes. But really what is this joke even getting at? It barely makes any freakin sense.

Am I to assume that these repair men are bragging about the fact that during sex they move their bodies "up and down"? What on earth is unique about that? I'd like someone to find me the girl who sits around saying "Gee, I really like sex, but so many of the men I sleep with insist on doing it "side to side" instead of up and down...now where can I find the kind of man that can really give me the pounding that I need?....oh of course! THE ELEVATOR REPAIR MAN!

________________________________________________

Ryan on job advertisements-


So I was trolling Craigslist the other day looking for a new job when I saw an ad for a teaching position at a nursery school that read- "2 year old teacher wanted".

The ad went on and on continuing to repeat that absurd wording (which of course implies that they wish to HIRE a two year old to teach children). It’s somewhat appalling that a business that is designed to provide education to young children can't figure out how to properly put into words that they are actually looking for someone to teach two year olds rather than to hire "a two year old teacher". Anyway I decided my fictitious two year old son "Ryan Jr." should apply for the job. Here is what I sent the school:

To whom it may concern,

After reading the ad you had posted on Craigslist, I think I may just be exactly what you have been looking for. I possess the rare dual talent of being both a two year old AND a teacher! To be honest, I have been having trouble finding work as of late because I have found it is rare that more traditional employers are looking to hire staff members my age. To me this smacks of discrimination pure and simple, the likes of which not seen since the civil rights movement, but alas, there seems to be little I can do to change the policies of these close minded institutes. In any case, I assure you I am worldly, zestful, highly qualified, and almost completely toilet trained! I applaud you for your willingness to take a chance on someone so young, and fear not, for while I may be young in years, I have the intellect of a wise old owl. If forced to describe my weaknesses, I might say that on occasion I have been known to scream, cry, whimper and carry on if not given exactly what I want (or if I haven't had my nap at the proper time), and as I mentioned before the occasional bathroom-related accident in my pants is a real possibility, but I assure you none of these issues are out of the ordinary for those my age. In fact they are quite common! I also have a bit of a problem with sharing, but that I’m working on. Whether or not my students can show the proper degree of respect for an instructor who is clearly sporting a soiled pair of elastic wasted jeans remains to be seen, but I am confident I can handle that little SNAFU! Anyway, once again let me thank you for being such an open minded institute of learning and for being willing to look past the minor drawbacks of hiring an instructor so new to solid foods. I am available to come in for an interview on short notice and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Ryan Loughlin Jr