Post from a ringer- Guest blog from Ryan Loughlin

Its time for a pinch hitter… I have about four or five different rants in the back of my head that I need to tap out and share with you all. In fact just last night my wife placed a blog specific request for me to flip out about high-end chefs serving food in egg shells. “This needs more publicity” she declared as thought the 100 or so hits our blog posts get are just the beginning of the media groundswell to come…

Anyhow, unfortunately I have not gotten around to formulating all of my thoughts, but that doesn’t me that you should be denied a Monday morning chuckle.

Hence I’m calling an audible and bringing in a ringer. Without further ado here are three rambles and rants from my good friend Ryan Loughlin…

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Ryan on Cinnamon flavored candy-


Ok folks...Its time to address a topic that I feel has been overlooked for some time...its time to clear the good name of cinnamon.

I have sat by for what basically amounts to my entire life watching various chewing gum, candy and breath mint companies attempt to convince me (and the rest of the world) that cinnamon is somehow the flavor equivalent of a relentless raging inferno.

Guess what folks? CINNAMON IS NOT HOT.

It blows my mind that I have to even argue this point, but after 32 years of "Sizzlin Cinnamon Schnapps", "Hot Tamales", "Red Hots", "WarHeads" and other fraudulent products being thrust my way, I have finally decided to at least attempt to put a stop to it by calling these companies on their bullshit.

Am I the only member of the general public to notice that this particular spice has a somewhat mild sweet flavor? Think about it, when was the last time you went into Cinnabon, placed your order and the girl behind the counter responded with "How hot do you want it- Mild? Medium or Five Alarm'?" This never happens, because any reasonable human being knows that its just not that spicy of a flavor to begin with. Nobody is competing for bragging rights to see how many cinnamon rolls they can stand to eat without a glass of water. I watch man vs food, nobody is intimidated by cinnamon. This is nonsense. The candy industry has hijacked this spice simply because they couldn't think up a way of making a "hot" candy without using a savory flavor unsuitable for candy. Well sorry candy folks, lying isn't the answer. I've had it. I want the good name of cinnamon cleared once and for all.

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Ryan on bumper stickers-

Ok, so the other day I am driving on the highway and a crusty red ford taurus pulls into my lane in front of me. Now the car itself was relatively unattractive (ditto for the driver as well) and in what I can only assume was an ill fated attempt to "spruce up" the viciously rusting bumper of his car, this man had purchased several bumper stickers.

Why people buy bumper stickers is something I will never figure out, does anyone put these things on the back of their car, take a step back and say to themselves "Yup, now THAT looks gorgeous! Mission accomplished."

Anyway as I look closer at this car I realize that the bumper stickers in question both directly relate to the fact that this man is evidently employed as an elevator repair man. Not to knock elevator repair men, but honestly what on earth would convince this man that ANYONE on the road would give a crap about the fact that he fixes elevators for a living??? And why the overall gushing pride over his job in the first place? Is he hoping to make others jealous? Well, as far as I am aware "elevator repair man" ranks fairly low on the list of dream jobs. Its just really not something a lot of people have grand aspirations of becoming. Nobody is going to look at that bumper sticker and go "Whoa- an elevator repair man? God damn, that guy is living the dream!"

Anyway, one of the stickers says something like "Proud member of elevator repair union 541" (or something of an equal "who gives a shit" level). After taking a moment to be impressed by his union status, my eyes naturally gaze over at bumper sticker number two hoping for something a bit more intriguing. And I find it.

Sticker 2 reads: "Elevator repair men do it up and down!"

Now, seriously folks, just what the fuck does that mean? It has to be one of the crappiest of the already indescribably lame genre of bumper sticker/seaside boardwalk t-shirt sex jokes. But really what is this joke even getting at? It barely makes any freakin sense.

Am I to assume that these repair men are bragging about the fact that during sex they move their bodies "up and down"? What on earth is unique about that? I'd like someone to find me the girl who sits around saying "Gee, I really like sex, but so many of the men I sleep with insist on doing it "side to side" instead of up and down...now where can I find the kind of man that can really give me the pounding that I need?....oh of course! THE ELEVATOR REPAIR MAN!

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Ryan on job advertisements-


So I was trolling Craigslist the other day looking for a new job when I saw an ad for a teaching position at a nursery school that read- "2 year old teacher wanted".

The ad went on and on continuing to repeat that absurd wording (which of course implies that they wish to HIRE a two year old to teach children). It’s somewhat appalling that a business that is designed to provide education to young children can't figure out how to properly put into words that they are actually looking for someone to teach two year olds rather than to hire "a two year old teacher". Anyway I decided my fictitious two year old son "Ryan Jr." should apply for the job. Here is what I sent the school:

To whom it may concern,

After reading the ad you had posted on Craigslist, I think I may just be exactly what you have been looking for. I possess the rare dual talent of being both a two year old AND a teacher! To be honest, I have been having trouble finding work as of late because I have found it is rare that more traditional employers are looking to hire staff members my age. To me this smacks of discrimination pure and simple, the likes of which not seen since the civil rights movement, but alas, there seems to be little I can do to change the policies of these close minded institutes. In any case, I assure you I am worldly, zestful, highly qualified, and almost completely toilet trained! I applaud you for your willingness to take a chance on someone so young, and fear not, for while I may be young in years, I have the intellect of a wise old owl. If forced to describe my weaknesses, I might say that on occasion I have been known to scream, cry, whimper and carry on if not given exactly what I want (or if I haven't had my nap at the proper time), and as I mentioned before the occasional bathroom-related accident in my pants is a real possibility, but I assure you none of these issues are out of the ordinary for those my age. In fact they are quite common! I also have a bit of a problem with sharing, but that I’m working on. Whether or not my students can show the proper degree of respect for an instructor who is clearly sporting a soiled pair of elastic wasted jeans remains to be seen, but I am confident I can handle that little SNAFU! Anyway, once again let me thank you for being such an open minded institute of learning and for being willing to look past the minor drawbacks of hiring an instructor so new to solid foods. I am available to come in for an interview on short notice and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Ryan Loughlin Jr