Doling out thoughts on the Bachelorette and street justice.

The initial reason I started this blog was that I have these weird little rants and monologues that I spew out and force my poor wife to listen to. I stopped feeling bad for her years ago because a) she signed up for it and b) I’m pretty funny. That said, there are definitely times when I can see her eyes glaze over as I pause the DVR, refill my wine and essentially perform and unsolicited lecture about some silly topic that deep down very few people care about…

Great little side story, before I hop into my topic of the day. (and yes I know my side notes, must be the extra special icing of annoyance I add to Lisa’s life.) Back when she was pregnant, we had to attend a friend’s rehearsal dinner. Lisa was only a few weeks into her pregnancy and we weren’t telling anyone so we wanted to hide it. We had to devise a plot to cover up the fact that Lisa wasn’t drinking. For those that know her, there is no situation in which wine is flowing that Lisa isn’t leading the charge. Our plan- hatched straight from a bad romantic comedy- was for us to order the same wine, for Lisa to occasionally pick up the glass and gesture with it, and for me to drink from both glasses. Unfortunately we were at a nice restaurant with multiple wine parings and very attentive wine service. At one point I recall glancing at the table and seeing that I was responsible for four relatively full glasses. Needless to say I ended up getting good and drunk. So much so that I have a pretty decent black-out from the end of the night. The only thing I do know is that I bored the crap out of someone. The next day from my hungover stupor I explained to Lisa that I remember being at the bar and just rambling on in my drunken fervor about something so inconsequential that there is no way the person I was speaking to could care at all. I was relatively proud that I had a moment of self-realization where I could see myself boring someone and chose not to hit the breaks. Of course, I had no idea who it was, so I never got to apologize. That said, I’ll try to keep my rant today a bit more pointed and cover a couple of topics so no one feels like that poor guy cornered by a drunken ass at a rehearsal dinner.

Five points on the Bachelorette-

1. Ashley is the single worst person they have ever chosen for the bachelor/bachelorette. No one wants the insecure/ pathetic person leading show. How did this miss this?
2. Super kudos for whomever decided to do a roast of her! Triple special Kudos for all of the guys joking about her small boobs. If there is a small silver lining to having the insecure bachelorette this might have been it.
3. Bentley- you had me intrigued. You delivered the role of the villain to near perfection. I wish you had stayed longer, but the only thing I will ask is for you to come to reunion show and continued to be the same ass you are right to her face.
4. That poor guy with the mask. Other than getting a tattoo of your catch phrase (“guard and protect your heart”) on your arm has anyone ever played it worse?
5. The guy Ames weirds me out. His eyes are too far apart. Its not normal.

My right to deal out street justice.

Two things about me. 1) I’m really impatient and 2) I’m an awful driver. I remember when I was getting my driver permit my buddy Ankit would tell me that our driving instructor told him I was a bad driver. At the time I got pissed that this guy was talking shit about me- now I realize he was just warning the public.
Regardless my poor driving usually puts me in the passenger seat while my wife drives, and my lack of patients coupled with living in the NY metro area has me spewing rage and vile from my seat at the idiots driving around me.

For example, when we used to live in Edgewater we would routinely be trapped behind some slow driving SUV on river road on a Sunday afternoon. I would start my rant casually by commenting that there is no reason to drive that slow. Surely everyone has somewhere they would rather be than sitting in the car and if these people could just push a touch more on the accelerator everyone would be closer to being happier. I would then get further worked up and look at these slow drivers as an affront to the pursuit of happiness. The only plausible excuse I determine is that these slow SUVs had to be driven by divorced dads bringing their kids back to their ex-wives at the end of the weekend visitation. I then sympathized with these men assuming that they were purposely driving slow to annoy their ex-wives and show her that she was no longer the boss of them and it was his kid too dammit and he could bring him home when he saw fit. Of course I took it one step further and would suggest that these slow driving divorced dads pull off at the next strip mall and get the kids some fast food or an ice cream cone. That would really stick it to the ex-wife bringing the kid home late and too full to enjoy a family dinner…

Anyhow this is the type of ramble my wife is forced to live with when she is stuck in traffic and I’m in the car.

This Friday I came had a new riff that she found particularly amusing and prompted me to share. I called it street justice. I think a select few of us should be permitted to dole out street justice to people who are completely oblivious to the rule of auto etiquette or common sense. The idea is partially stolen from a novel I read where the heroes drive on the highway with paintball guns and shoot up the windshields of anyone driving while on their cell-phone. In my own version I posited that I should be permitted to smash rear view windshield off of the cars that double parked on Willow avenue, and I should be able to slash the tires of the person who reversed around the corner down the wrong way of a one-way street.

When we first started this blog, it was titled to reflect little fixes to the world if we were put in charge. It then morphed into a rant about TV shows I like. Today I gave out a little bit of both and what I will consider as fair warning to your windshield should I ever be put in charge of street justice.