Twice in a week... you all are so lucky

No. I will not write every day from now on. But as I’m feeling inspired here is another 1000 words on the Bachelorette. For those that don’t watch the show numbers 3 and 8 should still be amusing.

1. Can we all stop pretending that the bachelor/bachelorette has any decision in where they travel to or what they do on the dates? I am picturing some PA throwing up in his mouth when he thinks about all the work he did to prep a cast and crew to move to Thailand only to hear Chris Harrison say, “Ashley and I thought we needed a fresh start…” Am I meant to believe that just on a whim, the dopey girl decided "hmm I’ll move a multi-million dollar production cuz I feel blue."

2. I work with writers for a living. I would love work with the writers who script the promo commercials for every reality show. “Coming up on the most dramatic transformation yet..”, or “Coming up on the most dramatic rose ceremony yet…” Those writer’s meetings must be the happiest or most depressing meetings of all time. Scenario 1- smiling writers who can’t believe that they lucked into the easiest job ever. Two guys cut out of work early one for a beer the other to see his kids. Scenario 2- tears streaming down a tortured artists face as another of his ideas is poo-pooed. His evil boss laughs at his effort, goading him on, “Are you gonna try another of your big ideas, or are you ready to give up and just give us the ‘dramatic’ line.”

3. A few years back I spent a couple months bumming around south east asia. Here is my story from Phuket- I went to Phuket to book a liveaboard dive trip to the Burma banks. The first night I got there I went to a bar. Sitting around a bunch of divers got to chatting and drinking and we came up with the idea that rather than join a ship we should charter our own. Next morning we met for breakfast, divided into pairs and scattered across the town hitting up every dive shop. Sure enough, someone was perfectly happy to take the gift of a fully booked charter that walked into his shop. We set off for a week dive trip. I dove four times a day and spent my downtime relaxing on a yacht in tropical waters. That was a very good week. This week I wrote 2000 words about a reality tv show. My life went in the wrong direction somehow.

4. Money making idea for the Bachelorette. Have a pay-per view event where Ashley is filmed watching the early episodes where Bently trashes her. Then for an encore get her drunk and let her watch herself as she moans on and on about some guy who didn’t care about her. That would be awesome TV.

5. Constantine looks like Ben F. the wine guy, only Constantine has a lazy eye. Not a good thing when your doppelganger without the droopy eye is on the same dating show as you. Also, Constantine- what was up with the socks on the beach?

6. “Afraid to get hurt,” “closed off,” and “ready to open up” should replaced “journey” and “right reasons” in your Bachelorette drinking game.

7. From my wife. “Nice ‘sweaterkini’ Ashley.”

8. I have a pet peeve that annoys me so much that I coined a phrase for it- “nostalgia for the present.” I could probably kick out 1500 words on it, and I actually use it as a pseudo-intellectual concept in my pseudo-intellectual job. That said the quickest example of nostalgia for the present is a girls bachelorette party. Allow me to stereotype, but women on a bachelorette party are tasked with two difficult things for them- 1) they need to make friends with girls they don’t know and 2) they need to execute “a legendary night out.” Unfortunately the girls rarely have something to bond over and they spend more time planning all of these stupid games and shenanigans that end up getting in the way of actually having fun. Hence they resort to nostalgia for the present. Ie they create and refer to inside jokes that are 15 minutes old. They will take 1000 photos to document their crazy antics rather than make sure they are actually having authentic crazy antics. There becomes such a focus on memorializing now, that it overwhelms the now. On a side note- guys don’t have this problem. They bond over beer, sports and steaks; they get drunk, gamble, and look at naked women. We have it much easier.

Anyhow back to the Bachelorette. I judge the quality of the dates on this show by the amount of nostalgia for the present. When the following conversation is happening its not good.. “I’m so comfortable right now with you. 10 minutes ago was awesome. Lets talk about how comfortable that was…”
So with that, I have to admit that Ames avoided all of the nostalgia for the present and seemed pretty natural. I was also impressed that he used the word “indeed” in the flow of his conversation and didn’t sound like a douche.

9. Ha. Did you think I was gonna let Ames get off that easily? No chance. That guy weirds me out. I made a list of things/ people he looks like- velociraptor, alien, ET, Sloth (from goonies), Gollum from Lord of the Rings… But my personal favorite:

White Sam Cassell- see link- http://tinyurl.com/64wcjps

10. Did everyone notice the Chris Harrison scared Ashely when she was about to kick off the guy whose wife died? I like to think it was the ghost of the wife putting the willies into Ashley and stopping her from taking her man.